Quick answer: The Dime Game is a DBT interpersonal effectiveness exercise for deciding how firmly to ask for something or say no. You answer ten yes-or-no questions about the situation, your relationship and your rights, and the answers produce a score from 0 to 100. The score maps to a level of intensity, from “don’t ask” or “just do it” at one end to “don’t take no for an answer” at the other. It answers the question DEAR MAN does not: not what to say, but how hard to push.
What is the Dime Game?
The Dime Game comes from the interpersonal effectiveness module of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Most DBT skills teach you how to do something. The Dime Game helps you decide how much. Should you raise the issue at all? Should you hint, ask tentatively, ask firmly, or refuse to accept a no? Most interpersonal problems are not caused by the wrong words. They are caused by the wrong intensity: a request made so softly it is never heard, or a refusal delivered so hard that a relationship breaks.
The exercise is called a game because it is deliberately mechanical. Instead of asking “how angry am I?” or “do I deserve this?”, you answer ten factual questions and let the total tell you what to do. That structure is the point. In a charged situation, your sense of what is fair is unreliable, and the game gives you a second opinion that does not depend on your mood.
What is the difference between the Dime Game and DEAR MAN?
They solve different problems and work best together.
- The Dime Game decides how intensely to pursue your objective: from not raising it at all to refusing to accept no.
- DEAR MAN decides what to say once you have chosen that intensity: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate.
The usual order is Dime Game first, DEAR MAN second. Running the Dime Game and finding a score of 30 saves you from delivering a beautifully scripted DEAR MAN that the situation never warranted. Running it and finding a score of 90 tells you that this is a conversation to prepare properly, not to improvise. The DEAR MAN guide covers the script in detail.
What are the ten Dime Game questions?
The questions are worded twice, once for asking and once for saying no. They cover the same ground: whether the other person can do it, how much the relationship matters, what your rights and obligations are, whether the request is appropriate, whether a long-term goal is involved, whether there is a balance of give and take, whether you know what you want, and whether the timing is right.
When you are asking for something
| # | Question |
|---|---|
| 1 | Is this person able to give or do what I want? |
| 2 | Is getting my objective more important than my relationship with this person? |
| 3 | Will asking help me feel competent and self-respecting? |
| 4 | Is the person required by law or moral code to do or give me what I want? |
| 5 | Am I responsible for telling the person what to do? |
| 6 | Is what I want appropriate for this relationship? (Is it right to ask for what I want?) |
| 7 | Is asking important to a long-term goal? |
| 8 | Do I give as much as I get with this person? |
| 9 | Do I know what I want and have the facts I need to support my request? |
| 10 | Is this a good time to ask? (Is the person in the right mood?) |
When you are saying no
| # | Question |
|---|---|
| 1 | Can I give the person what is wanted? |
| 2 | Is my relationship more important than saying no? |
| 3 | Will saying no make me feel bad about myself? |
| 4 | Am I required by law or moral code to give or do what is wanted, or does saying no violate this person’s rights? |
| 5 | Is the other person responsible for telling me what to do? |
| 6 | Is what the person is requesting of me appropriate to my relationship with this person? |
| 7 | In the long term, will I regret saying no? |
| 8 | Do I owe this person a favour? (Does the person do a lot for me?) |
| 9 | Do I know what I am saying no to? (Is the other person clear about what is being asked for?) |
| 10 | Should I wait a while before saying no? |
How is the Dime Game scored?
Each question is worth 10 points, so the total runs from 0 to 100. The direction depends on which game you are playing:
- Asking: every yes adds 10 points. The more reasons you have to ask, the higher your score and the more firmly you can pursue the request.
- Saying no: every no adds 10 points. The questions are worded from the other direction, so a “no” is a reason to hold your position rather than give in.
Bifocal’s Dime Game wizard asks which decision you are making first, then shows the matching wording. At the end it presents the score and the recommended level of firmness, and lets you move the score up or down with a Wise Mind adjustment before saving. That adjustment matters: the ten questions cannot see the whole situation, and sometimes your Wise Mind knows something the score does not. The game is a second opinion, not a verdict.
What do the scores mean?
The wording below is the guidance Bifocal shows at each level.
Asking for something
| Score | What to do |
|---|---|
| 0–10 | Don’t ask; don’t hint. |
| 20 | Hint indirectly; take no. |
| 30 | Hint openly; take no. |
| 40 | Ask tentatively; take no. |
| 50 | Ask gracefully, but take no. |
| 60 | Ask confidently; take no. |
| 70 | Ask confidently; resist no. |
| 80 | Ask firmly; resist no. |
| 90 | Ask firmly; insist; negotiate; keep trying. |
| 100 | Don’t take no for an answer. |
Saying no
| Score | What to do |
|---|---|
| 0–10 | Do it without being asked. |
| 20 | Don’t complain; do it cheerfully. |
| 30 | Do it, even if you’re not cheerful about it. |
| 40 | Do it, but show that you’d rather not. |
| 50 | Say you’d rather not, but do it gracefully. |
| 60 | Say no firmly, but reconsider. |
| 70 | Say no confidently; resist saying yes. |
| 80 | Say no firmly; resist saying yes. |
| 90 | Say no firmly; resist; negotiate. |
| 100 | Don’t do it. |
The scores at the low end are not failures. A 20 when asking means the evidence says this is not a request worth making, at least not now. A 30 when saying no means the fairest response is to do the thing without resentment. The game is useful precisely because it can tell you to back off, which is the answer most of us cannot generate on our own in the middle of a conflict.
How do the three priorities fit in?
Interpersonal effectiveness in DBT asks you to choose a priority before you act:
- Objectives: getting what you want.
- Relationship: keeping or improving the relationship.
- Self-respect: keeping your values and your sense of yourself intact.
The Dime Game questions are, in effect, a way of weighing those three. Questions 2, 6, 7 and 8 are relationship questions. Questions 3, 4 and 5 are self-respect questions. Questions 1, 9 and 10 are practical questions about whether the request is possible, clear and timely.
If you know which priority matters most in this conversation, you can read the score in that light. A 70 driven mostly by a long-term goal might persuade you to negotiate rather than walk away. A 70 driven mostly by pride might persuade you to soften. The number starts the thinking; the priority shapes the decision.
What does the Dime Game look like in practice?
Asking for a deadline extension
You need two more days on a piece of work. Your manager is approachable, the delay is genuinely needed, and you have a plan for finishing.
| Question | Answer |
|---|---|
| 1. Can they give it? | Yes |
| 2. Is the objective more important than the relationship? | No |
| 3. Will asking help me feel competent and self-respecting? | Yes |
| 4. Are they required to give it? | No |
| 5. Am I responsible for telling them what to do? | No |
| 6. Is the request appropriate for this relationship? | Yes |
| 7. Is it important to a long-term goal? | Yes |
| 8. Do I give as much as I get? | Yes |
| 9. Do I know what I want and have the facts? | Yes |
| 10. Is this a good time to ask? | Yes |
Seven yes answers give a score of 70: ask confidently and resist a no. That is not a licence to demand. It tells you to make the request clearly, with the reasons and the new date, and to negotiate rather than accept the first refusal. DEAR MAN gives you the sentences: describe the situation, express the impact, assert the request, reinforce with the plan, stay mindful of the topic, appear confident, and negotiate.
Saying no to an extra shift
You have been asked to cover a shift you genuinely cannot work. The relationship with your manager matters, but you have already covered twice this month.
| Question | Answer |
|---|---|
| 1. Can I give them what is wanted? | No |
| 2. Is the relationship more important than saying no? | Yes |
| 3. Will saying no make me feel bad about myself? | No |
| 4. Am I required by law or moral code to do it? | No |
| 5. Are they responsible for telling me what to do? | Yes |
| 6. Is the request appropriate to the relationship? | Yes |
| 7. In the long term, will I regret saying no? | No |
| 8. Do I owe them a favour? | No |
| 9. Do I know what I am saying no to? | Yes |
| 10. Should I wait before saying no? | No |
Six no answers give a score of 60: say no firmly, but reconsider. That is exactly the right texture for this conversation. You are not refusing to help ever. You are saying no to this shift, clearly and without a long justification, and leaving the door open for a different arrangement. A DEAR MAN in three sentences does it: “I can’t take Thursday’s shift. I’ve already covered two this month and I’m at capacity. I can do Saturday if that helps.”
What are common Dime Game mistakes?
- Answering from feeling rather than fact. “Do I give as much as I get?” is a question about the pattern, not about how resentful you feel tonight. If you cannot answer factually, that is useful information in itself.
- Treating 100 as the goal. The highest score is not the best outcome. A 40 that keeps a relationship intact can be more effective than a 90 that wins the argument and costs you the connection.
- Running it after the conversation. The Dime Game is preparation. If you only play it afterwards, you are scoring a decision you have already made.
- Forgetting the priority. A high score driven by self-respect and a high score driven by a short-term objective lead to different conversations. Decide which one is at stake.
- Skipping the Wise Mind adjustment. The ten questions are blind to context. If the score says 80 and everything in you says this is a 50 situation, move it and note why.
- Using the score instead of a script. Knowing you should ask firmly does not tell you what to say. Pair it with DEAR MAN, and with GIVE or FAST depending on whether the relationship or self-respect is the priority.
- Ignoring the low scores. “Don’t ask” is an answer. So is “do it cheerfully”. Both can be the most effective move available.
How do you play the Dime Game in Bifocal?
Bifocal’s Dime Game runs the whole exercise as a wizard. You choose whether you are asking or saying no, which selects the right wording for all ten questions. The questions come one at a time, so you are not tempted to answer them as a block, and there is a review screen before the result so you can change an answer you gave too quickly. At the end you see the score, the recommended level of firmness, and a Wise Mind control to adjust the score before you save.
Saved games keep the date, the mode and every answer, so you can open one before a follow-up conversation and see whether your answers have changed. That is often the most useful part: the same question answered differently a week later tells you something about the situation, or about your mood. If you want to talk it through in therapy, Bifocal’s PDF export includes your records without any retyping.
Playing the Dime Game is part of Bifocal Pro; the diary card and skills ladder work without a subscription.
The app works offline, needs no account and keeps your data on your device or in your own private iCloud. If you want a place to record how the conversation actually went, the diary card has a field for the skill used and how effective it was, which is how a Dime Game score turns into evidence about your own judgment.
Frequently asked questions
What is the Dime Game in DBT?
It is an interpersonal effectiveness exercise that helps you decide how firmly to ask for something or say no. You answer ten yes-or-no questions, score them in ten-point steps, and the total suggests a level of intensity from not raising the issue to refusing to accept no.
How is the Dime Game scored?
Each of the ten questions is worth 10 points. When you are asking, each yes adds 10; when you are saying no, each no adds 10, because the questions are worded from the opposite direction. The total gives a result between 0 and 100.
Is a higher Dime Game score better?
No. The score is a recommendation about intensity, not a measure of who is right. A low score can tell you to let something go, and a 60 can be more effective than a 100 if the relationship matters.
What is the difference between the Dime Game and DEAR MAN?
The Dime Game decides how hard to push. DEAR MAN decides what to say when you push. Use the game first, then choose the script that matches the intensity it suggests.
Can I use the Dime Game for work situations?
Yes. It was designed for ordinary interpersonal situations, and workplace requests and refusals are a natural fit. The questions about obligations, appropriateness and long-term goals are especially useful with managers and colleagues.
What if the score tells me not to ask, but I still want to?
That is what the Wise Mind adjustment is for. Move the score, note why, and treat the difference as information. Sometimes the score is missing context; sometimes the wish to ask is being driven by something the questions cannot see. Either way, you now know that you are overriding the evidence, which is better than doing it unconsciously.
Can I run the Dime Game after a conversation?
You can, and it can be a useful post-mortem: would the score have told you to be firmer or softer? But its main use is beforehand, when the result can still change what you do.